Part One
They say to throw out the old order and usher in the new, things get into quite an upheaval for a while. During this time of disequilibrium, the old order holds on like a death grip. The system is collapsing and taking many with it.
After learning that the masters suffer for 12 years before achieving their highest ascension, I decided to calculate the exact time when I could pinpoint how many years it’s been of my suffering, landing somewhere close to 10. I decided this based on the time that I learned my father-in-law would need to move back home from the convalescent hospital that he had been staying at for a year because Medicare no longer wanted to pay for him to stay there. Not that he was ready to come home and not that I was ready to be able to provide the kind of care he needed. I cared for him for 10 years. Not only did they damage the catheter in transport, causing him terrible pain and putting him in danger, they also lied and said he was free from scabies. He was not. While taking him out of the car with great struggle, with the aid of his former shower helper, I became infected with his scabies.
My father-in-law, Theodore, or Ted as we all affectionately referred to him, would have to go back to the hospital and then be sent back to his convalescent hospital on hospice. From the time I try to bring him home so the time of his passing would be a couple of weeks. He would be in wonderful spirits, and I believed that his wife was helping him transition from the other side. She had paid him a visit when we were away on a trip to Yucatán. He was actually excited. He never believed in things like that, but this was so real to him. She said, “I saw that you were lonely.“ He tried to reach out to touch her and she vanished. It was a truly majestic thing to see my father-in-law evolve and be allowed to become a fully human person accepting of love and able to give it back freely.
I thought that I had shingles which I had had before. I went to a Doctor Who I could barely understand. He agreed it’s shingles. Well it absolutely was not And the medicine that he gave me did not help. overtime it became something called crusted scabies. For over four months, I couldn’t touch anybody or be touched, couldn’t allow anybody to sit where I had been sitting, had to wash everything every day all the time, and I felt like I was in the seventh ring of hell. That’s what it feels like to have tiny burrowing animals eating away at your flash and causing scar tissue. I had to take Ivermectin twice, the second time made me violently ill.
During this time, my husband’s health was starting to really suffer. He was coughing a lot. He came back from a camping trip in the mountains with his son because a fire had broke out, and from the smell of the van and the contents therein, they got out from a one lane, precipitous drive just in time.
During this fiasco was when he coughed up blood. He was terrified. His worst nightmare flashed before his eyes. When he went to the clinic they told him he had pneumonia. So he spent weeks trying to recover from it. We planned a trip down south to Baja, but this time we wouldn’t remain in our favorite beach town of Rosarito, but wanted to explore further south and follow the whales migrating to the protected bay where they give birth every year. We would not get to make that trip. To this day, I still want to make up for it.
It had been some time since we had been together on a trip like that with Ted not well. We had gone back and forth from Los Angeles to Merida, Yucatán, where we fell in love with the land, the Maya people, their food and hospitality. It was magical, just like the billboard outside of the airport said when you get off the plane,
“Yucatán, where magic is reality.”
There was no exaggeration in that. My husband, a man so unique and bold, had always wanted to seek out a shaman. He had great intuition and abilities himself, but with so much hardship in his life he felt he needed a special ally for his health and spiritual fight. He had been through a lot of trauma. The whole family had, but it hit him especially hard, yet he would also remain in denial for some time. They say trauma changes even our biology. Our total outlook on the world. For Philip, his anger and rage had to surface, and would be misdirected at his closed loved ones around him. We had already been through so much, but we would have to endure what we never imagined: a breaking down between husband and wife, father and daughter. It was temporary, by God’s grace.
After the clinic told him that they did not see any improvement in his lung condition, in fact, “the mass had grown,” he decided to go to the hospital. I called the doctor that had been both his doctor, as well as his father’s, not because he was a good doctor, but because I could ask him to admit my husband immediately to get answers after hearing that comment at the clinic. Dr. Nasim agreed. He got in right away and they gave him a lung biopsy. The results didn’t take long to come back. Phil had a cancerous tumor.
At first his reaction at the hospital was one of self protection posing as elation. He never was afraid of death. He asked me to bring in pictures of the ascended masters, Paramahansa, Yogananda, Shri Yukteswar, Jesus. What he would become afraid of was losing us, his wife and partner of 19 years and 18 year old daughter. What he didn’t realize was that we would be the ones losing him. At one point when he realized that he probably was not going to make it, he asked me if I was going to be OK. I told him I didn’t know. It seemed to be eight years after his death and I am still not OK. I have learned to get along in life, to keep up my household, to go to my job every day and try to help people with a smile, but all the while, I have been but a shell of my former self. That would not stop his former wife and two children from later attacking me viciously in a contentious lawsuit that is still going on this day, six years later.
To be continued…
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