Now I truly understand what hell is. It is not just a place of torment and torture and knowing the most vile of depravity and evil. It is all those things while simultaneously having to take care of divine beings and remember how divine they are, and knowing that there is no way out. You can only go through it, and hopefully there is another side of the turbulent river.
It is very dark and there is nothing but pain and the pain is not your own. It is that those divine beings. Your own pain, which the average person would shudder at, has been archived to the annals of “ no one cares,” including yourself. What self?
You have to wonder how much of that pain was your cause and what you could’ve done differently. There is no such thing as your own ability for comfort or enjoyment and you cling to the love that’s possible through it all. What a test this is!
Now I know why God wanted me to name my only daughter, my only child, Manna, so that I never forget her divine origins because she would be my greatest test and we would go through the greatest hell. Every single obstacle in our way, like a snake eating its tail. An endless cycle of knowing too much.
As Manna said, the creature was not the monster, although it turned out as injured and violent as they come. The monster was the creator, Frankenstein. The doctor that wanted to rule over death and reanimate a lifeless menagerie.
Hell is also when you have to perform all the daily functions of the capitalist society at the same time, it’s open kind of hell. A life which is designed to keep us sick, brainwashed and exhausted, while most people don’t have to go through as much spiritual turmoil, and you can see them smiling and saying “what’s the big deal? Everything seems normal to me.” But in this hell you are not one of those that can be brainwashed. You prayed to be someone who is awake, and you and your daughter have been aware of everything for a long time.
The others who are not awake, not aware, refuse to see, go on their vacations, while you live, not paycheck to paycheck, but payday to payday. They go on trips to Disneyland as adults, while your child is often afraid of going out, even at 26 years old. Every time you have days off work are new trips to the hospital for one reason or another. Some of those trips ending in losing consciousness. Nearly everything from the smallest to largest of life’s happenings or needs ends in Catch 22.
You feel like you are there to advise those divine beings, but they really don’t take to it once. You provide comfort but how much comfort is there in hell? Even a little means a lot. But often times even help is painfully misunderstood. Or I say the wrong thing. Or no matter how hard I try almost everything goes wrong.
You have tasted the sweetness of life and fear that after years of torment and treachery, the fruit of the vine of God given pleasures will never return. Just more trials and tribulations. Nashing of teeth belonging to the divine beings you are charged with carrying for. Knowing more is around the corner before you’re even through the current trail. We’re all ground down to fine sand in the endless hourglass. This is the knowing that there is no me, no I, only the I am, that is the Creator.
The Creator destroys to build you up as only a servant of God. You shrink, you coward, you prostrate on the lowest ground, you can find under the gravity of the test. You stay awake all night praying.
You believe in miracles because you’ve received them, but it’s an endless cycle of begging for mercy. While evildoers seem to enjoy their time dancing on the bones of humanity. Even their exposure does not seem to gain traction towards justice.
Without identity and with all the battle won scar tissue you must remain tender to those you love, always putting them above you. After the wake of each storm on the lake of fire has calmed, you know you can’t expect anything to change drastically. All you have is prayer and atonement.
Others around you go on, ignorant, mindless, heartless, clueless. Ignorant bliss. Somewhere along the way I must have made a plan for a crash course on burning my soul’s negative karma. But why must YOU take it out on those most precious to me? Especially the ONE most precious and delicate of all? The ONE gift you have to me to care for and nurture. The ONE who has been so hurt that she now puts on the guise of a big tough man, knowing that men are most commonly bringing us hell on earth.
For us, it’s one battle after another. For them, it’s EYES WIDE SHUT.
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